When you are using more than one language regularly on daily basis, it is inevitable that these get all interwoven in sentences that I use in those daily conversations. Of course that would work among your friends and family members who understands them at least a bit of each. Or sometimes you know three languages and your friend might know two of them well enough to understand your mixed sentences. However when you are talking to a person who doesn't understand anything but one his native language, and you can only think of a word in a specific language that neither he knows nor you know how to explain it, then it's somewhat more frustrated than as if the person doesn't understand your language at all.
So here is the circumstance: I speak three languages , A, B, C. then the person understand A, and a little bit of B. but this specific word, I can only think of it in C. Most of the time my family knows a bit of everything, so I would ask. but this person does not, and I am left in agony that I cannot continue the conversation with that topic. ugh!!!
Then I realized that though many people think that it would be so awesome to become multilingual, there seems to be a limit in keeping up with everything to the maximum superior level. Maybe it is good enough to read and have a conversation or two, it is so hard to keep their quality enough to speak and write eloquently as the native speakers... native, meaning, that is your "main" language.
Might sound strange, but I don't have a main language. I know three quite fluently, but all of them lacking in something. I can never sound like a true native speaker. Basically, language skill also thins out when it is stretched too much. Arthur Rubinstein apparently spoke 7 languages fluently but not great in any of them.
I wish I knew more vocabularies in each languages, I wish I can read more in many other languages... Ah, I know, I'm probably too greedy. It might sound like I am so proud of myself as well - and that might be true. But well, that might be another part of me - having an identity crisis, so I want more of the protection from knowledge. Though I know it would never satisfy me completely, I still want to be smarter and wiser and more talented and polished. Be perfect so no one could accuse me. That might probably the reason. I want more because I am a coward.
Without all these nonsense talk, language is still a very interesting subject. It's a science, anthropology, art, and philosophy. there's no harm in learning them, for sure. I wish it was a little more easier to obtain the skill and easier to build up the vocabulary bank.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Writing, a Bravery,
I haven't written anything since 2010!!! well, I actually did, I just took way too much time and caution before I uploaded it. Then it just got forgotten. I better write, I better speak.
If I were to make an excuse for myself, the reason why I haven't continued this blog was, of course, first the procrastination, second, lack of motivation, third, not knowing the purpose of this blog, and the last, way too high expectation from myself which is also called a pride.
And from the random reason (which also is said as "because I want to"), I would like to explain these (translated as "excuses for the excuses"), beginning from the last one, the pride.
If you know me in person, you know that I could be very talkative, very chatty although I am not the most eloquent person you can meet. (If I were, I should be already in line to become a politician and not an artist or a musician) But then when it comes to writing, I am not so confident in my writing - grammar, word choice, structure, everything that could be related to something called "style." Because I admire the art of writing and the skill but at the same time I know the power of writing, which not only remains but extends, influences, misinterpreted, misunderstood in our mind, I was so afraid of taking the responsibility of its power.
That all can be translated into something called a pride; I don't want to be seen as someone unintelligent, imperfect, and uncontrollable. Quite embarrassing and haughty reason to stop writing, I thought. Does that mean I consider myself so highly that others should think so wonderful and praiseworthy on something that I don't even specialize in? Nonsense!
Of course I am not that great, neither I consider myself so (although there is a wish to be much more eloquent in writing or speaking). But still it is a pride that makes myself embarrassed from writing and posting, because I thought perhaps I should be writing greater than the writers that I judge and comment on the quality of their writings. Also, I had in my head that even in the small scale, if it would be out there for anyone of public to see, then it must be spotless or at least be more than an average. These fear and perfectionism all comes from my own very judgmental and critical point of view on someone else's thought or work, and it seems that I don't like to receive the opinion I give to the others.
But then again, as our dress code, who cares so much unless you are a professional?
First of all, who reads this blog to begin with?
Meaning, do I care so much about perfection in writing, when I read my friends blog?
What's wrong with talking about things that are still not completely settled, which I might get criticized and maybe not able to give a reasonable debate reply?
Now that I listed, I've been thinking such a cowardly excuses not to write... ah, bless me Lord.
Then I need to explain the purpose of this blog part.
I have total four personal blogs that were created and has been abandoned, and perhaps a couple of joint blog that I don't even remember the passwords for, and perhaps the partners have forgotten it as well. My personal ones are in different languages (two Japanese, one Korean, and this one). Actually, one I started because I had no other place to share my hobby, another I started to keep in touch with the friends who speak that language. One of the two Japanese ones is only for myself, using it like a diary, although it is exposed, I don't tell everyone the existence of it (oops i am telling you now), so when I get stressed I can just vent on it.
but then this one... I cannot even remember why I started it. What was my subject? why did I name it Schubertiade? (I vaguely remember the fact that I wanted to create an intimate circle like Schubertiade, where people love intelligence and creativity, sharing knowledge or their work of art, music, literature, science of the past and today and future. But I was way too busy, and it never happened) Everything has completely went blank over the last two years. I might have just thought, "well, since I have blogs in other languages (which also are almost abandoned as well) I might as well make one in English too. it should be a good writing practice." That could well be the reason for the existence of this blog, but I don't remember and I don't know. Now I think of it, there was a livejournal blog that I kept because a couple of my friends were using it. But then some unknown person kept asking me to add him or her as a friend, and when I finally did, it seemed like it was a bug or a virus kind of annoying one. So I quit, left as it was.
So when I re-found it, I didn't know what to do with it, and I just put it down again.
Then the second one I listed: the lack of motivation. Motivation to write, motivation to keep writing. When I look back, I was always terrible at keeping a journal constantly and daily. I didn't like routines. Well, reading, drawing, and playing the violin were something special, but otherwise I don't remember myself consistently doing something everyday, unless it is a short-term norm. But then I know the value of writing journal, so I would like to do. I start it every now and then, but one day I realize I didn't do it for a while. Ah, self-discipline is such a hard task! I know it and I should know it by heart, but then I do it again. I just can't keep my motivation up!
Finally, the first one that was mentioned-
procrastination.
Oh, I have no excuse for this.
it is a plain procrastination, supported by lack of motivation, which has the lack of purpose as a factor, that my poor pride was to be given as an excuse.
So I try this time to fight this.
Lord give me the strength to overcome this....
If I were to make an excuse for myself, the reason why I haven't continued this blog was, of course, first the procrastination, second, lack of motivation, third, not knowing the purpose of this blog, and the last, way too high expectation from myself which is also called a pride.
And from the random reason (which also is said as "because I want to"), I would like to explain these (translated as "excuses for the excuses"), beginning from the last one, the pride.
If you know me in person, you know that I could be very talkative, very chatty although I am not the most eloquent person you can meet. (If I were, I should be already in line to become a politician and not an artist or a musician) But then when it comes to writing, I am not so confident in my writing - grammar, word choice, structure, everything that could be related to something called "style." Because I admire the art of writing and the skill but at the same time I know the power of writing, which not only remains but extends, influences, misinterpreted, misunderstood in our mind, I was so afraid of taking the responsibility of its power.
That all can be translated into something called a pride; I don't want to be seen as someone unintelligent, imperfect, and uncontrollable. Quite embarrassing and haughty reason to stop writing, I thought. Does that mean I consider myself so highly that others should think so wonderful and praiseworthy on something that I don't even specialize in? Nonsense!
Of course I am not that great, neither I consider myself so (although there is a wish to be much more eloquent in writing or speaking). But still it is a pride that makes myself embarrassed from writing and posting, because I thought perhaps I should be writing greater than the writers that I judge and comment on the quality of their writings. Also, I had in my head that even in the small scale, if it would be out there for anyone of public to see, then it must be spotless or at least be more than an average. These fear and perfectionism all comes from my own very judgmental and critical point of view on someone else's thought or work, and it seems that I don't like to receive the opinion I give to the others.
But then again, as our dress code, who cares so much unless you are a professional?
First of all, who reads this blog to begin with?
Meaning, do I care so much about perfection in writing, when I read my friends blog?
What's wrong with talking about things that are still not completely settled, which I might get criticized and maybe not able to give a reasonable debate reply?
Now that I listed, I've been thinking such a cowardly excuses not to write... ah, bless me Lord.
Then I need to explain the purpose of this blog part.
I have total four personal blogs that were created and has been abandoned, and perhaps a couple of joint blog that I don't even remember the passwords for, and perhaps the partners have forgotten it as well. My personal ones are in different languages (two Japanese, one Korean, and this one). Actually, one I started because I had no other place to share my hobby, another I started to keep in touch with the friends who speak that language. One of the two Japanese ones is only for myself, using it like a diary, although it is exposed, I don't tell everyone the existence of it (oops i am telling you now), so when I get stressed I can just vent on it.
but then this one... I cannot even remember why I started it. What was my subject? why did I name it Schubertiade? (I vaguely remember the fact that I wanted to create an intimate circle like Schubertiade, where people love intelligence and creativity, sharing knowledge or their work of art, music, literature, science of the past and today and future. But I was way too busy, and it never happened) Everything has completely went blank over the last two years. I might have just thought, "well, since I have blogs in other languages (which also are almost abandoned as well) I might as well make one in English too. it should be a good writing practice." That could well be the reason for the existence of this blog, but I don't remember and I don't know. Now I think of it, there was a livejournal blog that I kept because a couple of my friends were using it. But then some unknown person kept asking me to add him or her as a friend, and when I finally did, it seemed like it was a bug or a virus kind of annoying one. So I quit, left as it was.
So when I re-found it, I didn't know what to do with it, and I just put it down again.
Then the second one I listed: the lack of motivation. Motivation to write, motivation to keep writing. When I look back, I was always terrible at keeping a journal constantly and daily. I didn't like routines. Well, reading, drawing, and playing the violin were something special, but otherwise I don't remember myself consistently doing something everyday, unless it is a short-term norm. But then I know the value of writing journal, so I would like to do. I start it every now and then, but one day I realize I didn't do it for a while. Ah, self-discipline is such a hard task! I know it and I should know it by heart, but then I do it again. I just can't keep my motivation up!
Finally, the first one that was mentioned-
procrastination.
Oh, I have no excuse for this.
it is a plain procrastination, supported by lack of motivation, which has the lack of purpose as a factor, that my poor pride was to be given as an excuse.
So I try this time to fight this.
Lord give me the strength to overcome this....
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Writer's Block: Critical mass
Not about writing, but about taking a criticism.
How well I take it? Of course pretty badly. Personal feelings are hurt when I hear it, or even sense it, even though in my head I am trying to be as objective and logical as possible. I do analyze, trying to fix what I am criticized about, in the most efficient and affective way, but then, still I constantly think about the "Judgement" made on me or my product. Of course one would not be so happy to be criticized and regarded as less good, especially when you are compared to somebody. Yes- I don't mind criticism itself as much as comparison. That gets me. I get furious. Sometimes that can become a fuel to work hard, but doesn't necessarily produce the best.
The matter is how strong your confidence decides how you take the criticism. Some people find it as an insult and fight back or ignore. Some are nonchalant. Some do get frustrated but accept and move on pretty quickly. Some get discouraged and look back to oneself keep asking "Am I that bad? I must be terrible.." which in fact shows that yourself doesn't want to think so, but you are not sure of yourself and depends on others to determine your value. I am going back and forth between first and the last one. I try not to and mostly don't particularly have any grudge over the one who gave the judgement or criticism, but the bitterness does not go away that easy.
I wish I was more strong. I wish I can walk in the storm of criticism and still say I have confidence. but often time it makes me think "really? maybe it's not. I still have so much to fix. I am so weak. I have so much to improve. therefore I deserve this defeat." and that's so ugly-! that's like crying "Oh pity me! pity me! I am a victim! I am a beggar! BE NICE TO ME!" Which is completely a product of egotism, jealousy, laziness, and nothing else.
Oh, speaking of criticism - sometimes I find it funny that I can take criticism from certain person very easily and another one very seldomly. As if I judge and decide who is worthy to criticize me or not- I am crying out that it's unfair to judge, and yet I am doing that too(which i am very aware of my own deed, yet it's hard to change. the emotion does not go with my logic)
As much as I wish I can say I am all ready to receive, I am so afraid of it. I am scared and everytime i get one I do emotionally get hurt. .
But I am fine. I will train myself and I am in training.
do you thing somehow this might be related to being only child or the last child? I thought it could well be.
How well I take it? Of course pretty badly. Personal feelings are hurt when I hear it, or even sense it, even though in my head I am trying to be as objective and logical as possible. I do analyze, trying to fix what I am criticized about, in the most efficient and affective way, but then, still I constantly think about the "Judgement" made on me or my product. Of course one would not be so happy to be criticized and regarded as less good, especially when you are compared to somebody. Yes- I don't mind criticism itself as much as comparison. That gets me. I get furious. Sometimes that can become a fuel to work hard, but doesn't necessarily produce the best.
The matter is how strong your confidence decides how you take the criticism. Some people find it as an insult and fight back or ignore. Some are nonchalant. Some do get frustrated but accept and move on pretty quickly. Some get discouraged and look back to oneself keep asking "Am I that bad? I must be terrible.." which in fact shows that yourself doesn't want to think so, but you are not sure of yourself and depends on others to determine your value. I am going back and forth between first and the last one. I try not to and mostly don't particularly have any grudge over the one who gave the judgement or criticism, but the bitterness does not go away that easy.
I wish I was more strong. I wish I can walk in the storm of criticism and still say I have confidence. but often time it makes me think "really? maybe it's not. I still have so much to fix. I am so weak. I have so much to improve. therefore I deserve this defeat." and that's so ugly-! that's like crying "Oh pity me! pity me! I am a victim! I am a beggar! BE NICE TO ME!" Which is completely a product of egotism, jealousy, laziness, and nothing else.
Oh, speaking of criticism - sometimes I find it funny that I can take criticism from certain person very easily and another one very seldomly. As if I judge and decide who is worthy to criticize me or not- I am crying out that it's unfair to judge, and yet I am doing that too(which i am very aware of my own deed, yet it's hard to change. the emotion does not go with my logic)
As much as I wish I can say I am all ready to receive, I am so afraid of it. I am scared and everytime i get one I do emotionally get hurt. .
But I am fine. I will train myself and I am in training.
do you thing somehow this might be related to being only child or the last child? I thought it could well be.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Starting My Real Journal
Hello Journal,
I am going to start writing my journal. as often as possible.
Yes, I have to face some things by posting it and verbalizing what I have.
It will be good English Practice too.
I am going to start writing my journal. as often as possible.
Yes, I have to face some things by posting it and verbalizing what I have.
It will be good English Practice too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)