Thursday, April 8, 2010
Writer's Block: Critical mass
Not about writing, but about taking a criticism.
How well I take it? Of course pretty badly. Personal feelings are hurt when I hear it, or even sense it, even though in my head I am trying to be as objective and logical as possible. I do analyze, trying to fix what I am criticized about, in the most efficient and affective way, but then, still I constantly think about the "Judgement" made on me or my product. Of course one would not be so happy to be criticized and regarded as less good, especially when you are compared to somebody. Yes- I don't mind criticism itself as much as comparison. That gets me. I get furious. Sometimes that can become a fuel to work hard, but doesn't necessarily produce the best.
The matter is how strong your confidence decides how you take the criticism. Some people find it as an insult and fight back or ignore. Some are nonchalant. Some do get frustrated but accept and move on pretty quickly. Some get discouraged and look back to oneself keep asking "Am I that bad? I must be terrible.." which in fact shows that yourself doesn't want to think so, but you are not sure of yourself and depends on others to determine your value. I am going back and forth between first and the last one. I try not to and mostly don't particularly have any grudge over the one who gave the judgement or criticism, but the bitterness does not go away that easy.
I wish I was more strong. I wish I can walk in the storm of criticism and still say I have confidence. but often time it makes me think "really? maybe it's not. I still have so much to fix. I am so weak. I have so much to improve. therefore I deserve this defeat." and that's so ugly-! that's like crying "Oh pity me! pity me! I am a victim! I am a beggar! BE NICE TO ME!" Which is completely a product of egotism, jealousy, laziness, and nothing else.
Oh, speaking of criticism - sometimes I find it funny that I can take criticism from certain person very easily and another one very seldomly. As if I judge and decide who is worthy to criticize me or not- I am crying out that it's unfair to judge, and yet I am doing that too(which i am very aware of my own deed, yet it's hard to change. the emotion does not go with my logic)
As much as I wish I can say I am all ready to receive, I am so afraid of it. I am scared and everytime i get one I do emotionally get hurt. .
But I am fine. I will train myself and I am in training.
do you thing somehow this might be related to being only child or the last child? I thought it could well be.
How well I take it? Of course pretty badly. Personal feelings are hurt when I hear it, or even sense it, even though in my head I am trying to be as objective and logical as possible. I do analyze, trying to fix what I am criticized about, in the most efficient and affective way, but then, still I constantly think about the "Judgement" made on me or my product. Of course one would not be so happy to be criticized and regarded as less good, especially when you are compared to somebody. Yes- I don't mind criticism itself as much as comparison. That gets me. I get furious. Sometimes that can become a fuel to work hard, but doesn't necessarily produce the best.
The matter is how strong your confidence decides how you take the criticism. Some people find it as an insult and fight back or ignore. Some are nonchalant. Some do get frustrated but accept and move on pretty quickly. Some get discouraged and look back to oneself keep asking "Am I that bad? I must be terrible.." which in fact shows that yourself doesn't want to think so, but you are not sure of yourself and depends on others to determine your value. I am going back and forth between first and the last one. I try not to and mostly don't particularly have any grudge over the one who gave the judgement or criticism, but the bitterness does not go away that easy.
I wish I was more strong. I wish I can walk in the storm of criticism and still say I have confidence. but often time it makes me think "really? maybe it's not. I still have so much to fix. I am so weak. I have so much to improve. therefore I deserve this defeat." and that's so ugly-! that's like crying "Oh pity me! pity me! I am a victim! I am a beggar! BE NICE TO ME!" Which is completely a product of egotism, jealousy, laziness, and nothing else.
Oh, speaking of criticism - sometimes I find it funny that I can take criticism from certain person very easily and another one very seldomly. As if I judge and decide who is worthy to criticize me or not- I am crying out that it's unfair to judge, and yet I am doing that too(which i am very aware of my own deed, yet it's hard to change. the emotion does not go with my logic)
As much as I wish I can say I am all ready to receive, I am so afraid of it. I am scared and everytime i get one I do emotionally get hurt. .
But I am fine. I will train myself and I am in training.
do you thing somehow this might be related to being only child or the last child? I thought it could well be.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Starting My Real Journal
Hello Journal,
I am going to start writing my journal. as often as possible.
Yes, I have to face some things by posting it and verbalizing what I have.
It will be good English Practice too.
I am going to start writing my journal. as often as possible.
Yes, I have to face some things by posting it and verbalizing what I have.
It will be good English Practice too.
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